Shannon's Grief
by BooneShannon4evr
Summary: Shannon's journey on the island after Boone. My first fic.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: Thanks to Marielle(msmith4815) my best friend and beta who has helped me with everything I could ever want. Nothing can express how greatfull I am to you. I hope you enjoy this guys._

**Shannon's Grief**

"Jack, is everything okay?" Fear crept into Shannon's voice. Jack's face was pale and clammy, and she could see in his dull, discouraged eyes that there was something seriously wrong. But nothing could have prepared her for what Jack said next.

"Last night, there was an accident, we did all we could, but Boone died." He tried to say gently. She felt her head spinning at Jack's words. She saw black dots at the corners of her eyes, like she had momentarily blacked out, and Sayid's hands were the only thing that kept her standing. _Dead. _Boone couldn't be dead, he wouldn't leave her – he had _promised_ her the day she had the asthma attack, the look in his eyes deep and sincere. But now he was dead. Boone was _dead._ _Dead, dead, dead._ She repeated the words over and over in her head, trying to believe them, but at the same time, trying not to. But Jack's face was serious, tears glistening in his eyes, dried beads of sweat on his face, pain in his features – and she knew it was true.

She took off for the caves at a dead run, faster than she'd ever gone in her life, challenging an asthma attack to enter her burning lungs. But as she approached the caves, she slowed down, hoping with everything in her that Boone would be sitting up and waiting for her. Hoping that Jack and all the others were lying to her, and that all of this was just a dumb joke. but when she laid her eyes on his lifeless body lying on the rock ledge he wasn't sitting up, he wasn't waiting for her. He was dead.

She kneeled down next to his body. She sniffed and took a deep breath touched his face lightly, willing back tears as she looked at his ghostly face and wondered how this could have happened. But the tears came as pain overtook her and she cried, hard, the force of the sobs racking her body with pain.

When she was finally able to speak, it came out as a pleading cry. "Please, Boone, please wake up!" Shannon begged, "I need you to wake up, I can't do this by myself! I need you here please, Boone, please." As if groveling with him would bring him back. She sat at his side, and reached out her delicate fingers and ruffled his hair, playing with it, running it slowly through her fingers. She could feel Sayid's eyes on her as he watched her with quiet eyes and a sympathetic expression, approaching the caves where she sat. She wished he would just go away. She wanted to blame him for taking her away from their camp, but she couldn't do that to him. It wasn't his fault she hadn't been there with Boone last night. It had been her choice not to go back. But all the thoughts in her head mixed together into a gray, unfeeling numbness – she felt like this wasn't really happening and she was in a dream. She wished she were.

She shifted her eyes back to Boone. She wanted to wake him up, wake herself up out of this horrible nightmare. She wanted him to scream at her and tell her yet again what a worthless, useless, bitch she was. Telling her anything would be better than this. She saw Sayid's shadow as he walked over on the other side of Boone's body, sat down, and looked at her.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" he asked slowly, not sure what her reaction would be. She ignored him and continued with Boone's hair. "Sun said he wouldn't let Jack take his leg - didn't want him using up the antibiotics. She said he knew what was happening to him that he was brave." Sayid said in a soft voice. She turned her head slowly, looking at him, nodding her head slightly without replying.

Boone's funeral was held several hours later. Jack and Hurley carried his broken body in a blue tarp and set him on the ground, the tarp shuddering in the morning summer wind. She was angry with Kate for being able to cry when she couldn't, and she was angry with Claire's baby for being alive when her stepbrother was dead - even Sawyer seemed to be tearing up. She wanted to yell at Jack, and tell him to stop as he slowly lifted the edges of the tarp. If he just waited a few more minutes she _knew _that Boone would wake up. _He just needed to wait. _But she stood helplessly as she watched Boone's head being covered up.

That's when she realized that that was the last time she would ever see his face, she wanted to cry, but slowly she forced a layer of ice over her true feelings. Then Jack called out to her. "Shannon? Do you wanna... do you wanna say something?" he asked, clearly out of breath and exhausted. _I want to tell him that I'm sorry for everything, that if he just came back that we could start over, _she thought

"No." She wistfully replied. She could feel everyone else shifting uncomfortably – they hadn't been expecting her to say "no".

Suddenly Sayid spoke up, "I didn't know Boone very well and for that I am sorry." He scrambled for something to say. "On our 6th day here a woman named Joanna died. She drowned. And Boone was the first one into the water. I didn't know him, but I remember his courage and I know he will be missed." He said, looking at Shannon meaningfully as he said his last sentence.

Instead of appreciating his response, Shannon was infuriated. Sayid had no right to say anything about him, he didn't know him – no one did. No one knew how he had loved her, and he always tried to do the right thing. Suddenly a voice spoke up—it was _his _voice.

"It was my fault." Everyone slowly turned toward the direction of the voice. As she turned toward him saw Locke… blood covered his shirt, _Boone's _blood. "We found a plane, a Beechcraft, in the jungle. It was... it was lodged in the canopy," he motioned up to the sky to illustrate his point. "So I... I would have gone up, but I," he kept stopping, pausing as if he was leaving something out. "My leg was hurt so he…" He paused again. "There was a radio inside and he thought he could look." _Damn It, why did he keep stopping! _"His weight must have made the plane shift and…and it fell and it happened because he was trying to help us. He was a hero." Locke's words traveled through one of Shannon's ears and out the other. His words seemed pretend and as if they had been formulated in his own head – they reeked insincerity.

"Where were you? Where were you?" Jack rushed at him. "Where the hell were you, you son of a bitch?" Jack continued to yell." What did you do to him?" Jack jumped on him tackling him to the ground. "What did you do?" Shannon stared, watching the fight but feeling nothing except Boone's absence.

"Hey, wait, wait, Jack!" Charlie yelled.

"Where were you? You just left him to die! You lied to me! Where were you?" Sawyer, Charlie and Kate all tried to pull Jack off of Locke, pushing him back as they went. Jack continued to yell, as the others encouraged him to stop, and the din surrounded Shannon like a bubble, intensifying the numbness she felt.

But Shannon knew why Jack had attacked him. It was _his_ fault Boone was dead. Kate, Jack and Sayid had walked back to the beach, practically pulling Jack away from Locke while he went back into the jungle. Only Sawyer, Jin, Michael, and Sullivan, the hypochondriac, had stayed to help bury him. She was angry with Sayid, who claimed her cared about her, for being so easily distracted at such a heart-wrenching time for Shannon.

Well she didn't _really_ care - it was just that she didn't think that after he had taken her to dinner on the beach, kissed her like he meant it, and told her about his "hopes", she had expected him to stay with her – not that she got anything out of their relationship besides comfort and friendship. But with Boone, it was different; they had known each other since they were little, Boone always being an over-protective, older brother. It wasn't until years later, _now_, she realized it was love. He had seen her through the good and the bad and he had always been there for her. He loved her in a way no one else ever would. And that night in Sydney, maybe she had mistakenly labeled all the feelings she felt as from the alcohol, or pure lust, but now, too late, she wanted to tell him that she felt the same way. She watched as they started to pick Boone's body up, but she'd finally reached breaking point. "Stop! Stop it! Just _stop_!" Tears were already flowing freely down her face, but she didn't care she couldn't let them do this, not yet. They stopped and looked at her. "Can I just have a…a moment with him…please?" Her voice cracked dangerously as an overeager sob escaped her lips.

They respected her orders, walking over to the far part of the beach. When she made sure they were out of earshot, she touched his face with her fingers, tracing every part of it. She smiled slightly as she saw his hair; it never would stay in place. Then her smile turned into a choking sob, and she attempted futilely to hold it back . God, she hated being so weak and vulnerable. She fixed his hair one last time, and softly kissed his lips, and told him she loved him. As she lifted up her head, she saw Sawyer staring at her. Briefly praying he hadn't seen her kiss Boone she stood up and called the men back over. Sullivan had wandered off somewhere so only Sawyer, Jin and Michael remained.

Sawyer looked at her with a knowing glance as she helped lift the edges of the stretcher and lower him down. Jin tried to help, but she fiercely pushed him away and Michael warned him with a glance. Shannon and Sawyer lifted him up and slowly lowered him down into the pit that would be his grave. Shannon sniffed as he finally touched the bottom. She started to shake as she lifted the shovel and put the sand on top of him. They tried to help her, but pushed them away and they backed off and disappeared.

Only Sawyer stood by the far tree, watching her as she lowered shovel after shovel full of dirt and sand on top of Boone. When she had finished, she fell to her knees crying once again, but she couldn't help it - she just couldn't believe he was gone. Surprisingly, Sawyer walked over and put his arm around her in an uncharacteristically sensitive gesture. Minutes later, he wordlessly led her away from Boone's grave and back to camp. She went to sit in the sand away from everyone and their sympathetic glances; they had no idea what she was going through. She was sitting there trying not to cry, thinking of the only thing that plagued her every thought: Boone. Suddenly, Locke walked up and sat down next to her. "This was his. I didn't go through it," he said.

"Thank you." She whispered, not trusting her own voice.

"'Welcome. Storm coming." He said casually.

_No shit, that's why it's thundering, _she wanted to say, but she didn't, she just sat there in a daze.

" I should have said no, the first time he offered to hunt with me, I should have said no." He told her calmly. But his newly adopted apologies were useless now. Boone was dead, and what Locke was saying now wouldn't change anything.

"He would have gone anyway." She said back still in her daze.

"Yeah, I suppose he would have." He said back in agreement.

_Shut up! You have no idea what he was like! _

But he continued, "I know how confused and angry you must be right now. I can't say I understand what you're going through, but I know what it feels like when you lose family. I hope you can forgive me. I'm sorry." He said and got up to leave.

Shannon turned around and watched him go, tears pricking at her eyes, and anger building up in her. She saw Sawyer sitting there, staring at her and she knew what she needed from him, one of the only remaining figments of her brother. "Sawyer, I need…Can I have Boone's book back please…" She trailed off knowing that he'd probably tell her no and she'd have to beg for it.

"Sure thing, Shannon." He drawled handing her the well-worn book. She flipped the book to the inside front cover with his name elegantly, and delicately written in it - Boone Carlyle. She started to shake, but was determined not to cry. _Would it always hurt this much,_ she wondered.

"Thank you, Sawyer." She said and hugged him. Stunned at the sudden affection, he just sat there and she wordlessly started to leave. "Did you love him?" he asked her. She froze.

"What?" she asked in a shaky voice.

"I saw you kiss him today, did…do you love him?" He asked wary of her reaction.

"Yes." She replied, and without another word walked out of the tent. She put Boone's book in his bag and walked to the caves to finally take Sayid up on his offer.

She marched up and stood in front of him. "You asked if you could do anything for me."

"Anything." Sayid replied hoping to be able to comfort her.

"John Locke killed my brother. Will you do something about that?"

* * *

_I hope y'all liked that, reviews are like Boone alive :) Please tell me what you liked and didn't liked. Thanks guys!_


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note: Thanks to Marielle(msmith4815) for beta'ing this for me._

She sat at her shelter, mentally wrestling with herself over whether or not she should go through Boone's bag. She decided that yes, she would, she wanted to know what he had in it. She pulled out his wallet, and inside one of the pockets was a photograph. Pulling it out curiously, she saw that it was a picture of her and Boone. His arm was wrapped around her and they where both smiling. She remembered that day; it had been at her 18th birthday, before her dad died.

_She was partying with friends and trying to act completely oblivious to Boone staring at her. His eyes traveled up and down her body, and when she turned and glared at him, he shifted his eyes and tried not to look like a guilty puppy that had just peed on the carpet. She was turning 18, which was great! Nora was there along with some other people from her ballet studio. Sabrina was there, unfortunately, along with her father and…and Boone. He smirked at something Sabrina said, she tried not to collapse right there on the dance floor because god, she loved it when he did that. As if he felt her eyes on him he looked at her; blue eyes blazing, his smile widened and his eyes continued to sparkle as he made his way over to her. She tried not to faint as she watched him walk over in anticipation and she tried not to give too much away. When he finally reached her Boone bowed, "May I have this dance?" he asked. _

_She curtsied back, "Why yes, you can." _

_She laughed, to divert attention from the fact that she was now wrapped in the arms of her very gorgeous brother, but this was Boone, she tried to remind herself, and she couldn't be falling for him. She looked into Boone's eyes as he pulled her close to him, his intense gaze putting her in a trance and she thought for one fleeting second that he was going to kiss her, but Sabrina stopped the music, well aware of what was going on between the two. She pulled away as the dance ended and shot him a look of disdain and contempt, but she also slipped him a look of pure joy, seduction and thanks, but quickly covered it up with the former. An uncomfortable silence ensued between everyone until Sabrina finally broke it with a, "Dinner's ready!" _

_Several hours later when everyone had gone home and her dad and Sabrina had gone out to dinner at Sabrina's insistence. Shannon and Boone where home in the big house alone. It was dark outside and rain was softly falling, and thunder clapped in the sky. After claiming to be cold, Boone lit a fire in the fireplace for Shannon. They sat on the couch curled up next to one another listening to a CD mix that was floating through the house on the intercom and watching the hypnotic fire, completely comfortable with one another without having to worry about Sabrina or her dad suspecting them when there really wasn't anything to be worried about. _

"_Stay", one of Shannon's favorite songs, wafted through the house and Boone stood up. "Dance with me?" Boone warily asked. _

"_Boone, you're such an idiot," Shannon laughed, but she got up and took his hand. They moved like they were floating on clouds. Without saying anything Boone put his hand on the small of Shannon's back, she put her arm around his neck and with their free arms clasped their hands together as they danced in front of the fire, like they did earlier that evening. _

_You and me  
Just wasting time  
I was kissing you  
You were kissing me love  
From good day into a moonlight  
Now a night so fine  
Makes us wanna stay, stay, stay, stay for awhile_

_Suddenly, she felt Boone's soft lips against her own, gently yet passionately, as he gripped her waist tighter and cupped her face with his free hand and deepened it by snaking his tongue into Shannon's mouth and tentatively searching her mouth. She was surprised at first, but then she deepened it equally. They moved towards the couch as he gently laid her down and stayed on top of her. She could feel Boone's warm fingers crawling up the hot, sweaty skin of her stomach as his hand continued upward. All of the sudden, A key turned in the lock and the pair sprang apart. Sabrina and Adam walked in as Boone was pulling away from Shannon's body. _

"_Boone Carlyle! What are you…?" Sabrina started to yell, but Boone cut her off. _

"_Shannon fell asleep… I was carrying her to her room." Boone tried to say convincingly. Shannon immediately went limp in his arms and he tried not to laugh. _

"_Well, goodnight." Sabrina said and walked down the hall to her room._

_Adam kissed Shannon on the forehead, said goodnight to Boone and followed Sabrina down the hall. Boone continued to carry her up the stairs and into her room and she really had gone limp so he assumed she had gone to sleep. He laid her down on her bed and pulled the covers over her too thin body and tucked her in. "Goodnight Shan." He said as he kissed her forehead and tucked her hair behind her ears before walking out of her room and shutting the door. _

_She sat up as soon as he had left. What in the hell was that! But soon she was asleep, her dreams filled with the memory of her kiss with Boone. In the morning, she padded down to Boone's room trying to be quiet. She got to his door and knocked. When he didn't answer she walked in. He was gone. She walked down to the kitchen thinking that he'd just gone to eat breakfast. She bounced in and saw Sabrina sat staring at an opened letter sitting on the counter. "What is that?" She asked._

"_It's from your brother." Sabrina stressed the word brother. Shannon rolled her eyes Sabrina was always suspecting them. "Who is it for?" she asked getting more wary by the minute, anger welling up at knowing Sabrina read it._

"_It's for you, Boone left early this morning." Sabrina stated. _

"_What? Where did he go?" Shannon said fear creeping into her voice._

"_Back to college in New York." Sabrina said as if she was supposed to know that. _

"_But I thought he didn't go back for another week?" Shannon asked, shaking trying to stay in control._

"_He went back early. He left this for you." She said on handed it to Shannon, oblivious to her shaking hand. _

"_Thanks," She said before running up to her room and shutting the door. She carefully opened the letter that had her name written on it in his delicate, cursive handwriting. Shannon. She opened it and was stunned at his words. _

_Dear Shannon, I'm sorry for leaving like this and not say goodbye but I had to. Last night was a mistake and I'm sorry. But just know that whenever you need me, I'll be there for you. I'm so sorry, and I hope one day that you will forgive me. Happy Birthday All My Love, Boone _

_She knew that even after everything that happened, him leaving, and saying it was a mistake, he would still love her no matter what. _The sound of sand crunching under someone's feet jerked her out of her reverie.

* * *

_I hope y'all liked this. Tell me what you liked and didn't like. HAPPY EASTER!_


	3. Chapter 3

**Spooky Bibi **So glad you liked it, wow, now I don't feel slightly as pathetic knowing someone else cried through it too, and yes I definitely will continue.

**Sillya **Gosh, I hate Shayid too, this chapter was bad enough, I don't know what I'm gonna do when Abandoned and the Shayid "scene" comes in, ugh, I can't even say it.More Shawyer moments are DEFINITELYin store :)See ya on L-F!

**Kirstieee.x** So glad you liked it, yes, I miss Boone too. cries Definitely more Shoone-ish coming.

**Claire of Claire and Kate** I definitely will write more, I'm not abandoning this.

**msmith4815** Thanks for being my beta! Glad you liked it!

**Faran1078** I'm so glad you liked, I was afraid you wouldn't.

**Chilton Puff** Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. I try.

**Joshy** Love ya, thanks for reviewing. The J.C. needs love :)

**Mary Haley** My love, thanks for reviewing even if you don't understand it.

She glanced down at the checkbook briefly - its edges were wrinkled and she could still see the faint, but deep marks of the pen he had used to write the check for Bryan. Sayid walked up to her before she could start crying again. She put it away.

"How are you?" He put his hand on her face. She leaned into his hand to move it away, but was unsuccessful. " Do you want to take a walk?" He asked, unsure of her reaction.

"Sure." She left Boone's bag sitting at her shelter. She stopped momentarily, almost turning to go back and grab it, but instead she continued on with Sayid.

"I spoke to Locke." Sayid said finally breaking the silence between them.

"What did he say?" She was unwilling to be kind through all of this.

"He took me to the plane. I believe what happened was an accident." He said with conviction.

_What I can't believe you! You're supposed to be on my side! "_Then why did he lie?"

"I have no idea, but I don't believe he meant to harm Boone." She couldn't believe that he'd just said that.

"So that's it?" She asked anger triumphing in her voice.

"I know how strong the need can be to find someone to blame." He said, trying to be sweet. It was sickening.

"You don't get it, do you?" _Boone was everything to me, not just a brother. He was the only reason I ever tried on this stupid ass island, _she wanted to tell himbut she just walked away instead.

"Shannon." Sayid called out, but she just kept walking away.

"Just forget about it, okay?" She sneered, and walked off. Shannon walked into Sawyer's tent, not pausing to make sure he was dressed or whatever because she didn't really care. "I need the key, Jack's key…the key to the guns…please." She pleaded with him. He looked at her without moving. "Please! _Please_." She said, almost shouting at him with tears in her eyes. He wordlessly got up and walked over to where Jack was laying down, carefully making sure Kate wasn't in there as well.

Minutes later he walked back in "It's in the jungle under a bush, fairly easy to see. That's where Jackass and Al Jezeera have been keeping the guns." She snorted at his nickname for Sayid.

"Al Jezeera's the –" Sawyer cut her off.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah Sticks I know. It's the network." He said in a singsong voice that was hauntingly like Boone's. He shoved the key in her hand, gently closing her fingers around it and gestured towards the "door".

"Thank you, Sawyer." She said and walked out.

"_Don't_ mention it!" He yelled back with force and a hint of kindness. It was raining hard as she made her way through the jungle in search of the guns. She fell twice, covering herself with mud in the process. Suddenly, she saw them. She unbuckled the case and lifted it open, with minor difficulty. She grabbed the gun and slid the magazine out checking for bullets, 2 she counted. Nothing but rage clouded her vision and she searched for him. She ran into the jungle, searching for any sign of life, movement, anything. Then she saw him.

She walked about six feet in front of him and cocked the gun. "I know you did it." She said in a hauntingly deep voice. He turned at the noise. "Why did you kill him?" She demanded.

"It was an accident." He tried to say.

"No, you killed him, why?" She demanded again.

"She doesn't believe me, Sayid." Locke said, more than a little fear creeping into his voice.

"Shannon, Shannon, please listen to me." He tried to plead with her.

_NO! _"He did it. I know it." She tried to say it with conviction and assurance.

"You're not thinking rationally." He tried to reason. _Yes I am. _She thought. "You've never fired a gun before." He just continued to plead. She shot it by his feet to prove to him she knew how. She was hurting, really hurting, she was angry and she wanted revenge. She just wanted the pain to stop. "Shannon, you don't want to do this." He tried to reason with her.

_Shut-up. "_Yes, I do!" Her voice was shaking now and she tried to mask her insecurity.

"If you do it, you can never take it back."

Jack and Kate burst through the trees into the clearing and stopped once they saw Shannon. She shifted the gun pointing it at them for a second before moving back to Locke. She was shaking somuch she could barely hold the gun. "Stay back. What did you do to him?" She screamed over the thunder and the rain. She was going to get to the truth no matter what it cost her. She _was _going to get revenge on the man who killed the person she loved. _I know you did it, I know it,_ her mind screamed.

"I told you it was an accident." He kept repeating. _Yeah, well that doesn't change the fact that Boone's dead,_ she wanted to scream at him, but she didn't, she just focused on gathering her courage.

"Shannon." Jack pleaded.

"Jack, you told me he was a liar!" She screamed at him and almost dropped the gun she was so cold. She had turned to Jack for help, hoping that his earlier attack on Locke would make Jack see her view.

1…2…3…4…_BAM! _She screamed as shefelt someone knocking her to the ground…long, wet fingernails curling around her body – Sayid. "No!" She kept screaming and tried to wriggle away.

"I'm sorry." Sayid offered sounding like he was crying, but there was no way that would help. She was almost in tears with anger at him, _no, I hate you! _Her body was shaking uncontrollably. She couldn't believe she'd actually tried to shoot someone, she couldn't believe Sayid had stopped her. "Don't. Get away." She sneered and growled in their faces almost daring them to come any closer.

"Shannon." She just kept walking she didn't give a shit what he had to say. "Shannon." A voice said. "No, Sayid get away!" A hand touched her shoulder. She spun around to see Kate staring into her eyes.

"You would've regretted killing Locke…" "No, I wouldn't have, he deserved to die." She growled with venom dripping in her voice, as she was trying unsuccessfully not to cry. " I loved him." She said. "I loved him as more than a brother." She walked off leaving a stunned Kate in her wake.

She walked to Boone's shelter and collapsed on his "bed". The numbness started to settle over her body as official shock setting in, not only at Boone's death, but also at trying to kill Locke. Suddenly a thought struck her, she let out a small cry and fell back onto the blanket. Her hands instinctively went to her stomach. She lay on the bed, numbly for hours, contemplating the newfound possibility.

_She saw Boone and Locke walking into one of the caves and she left her spot with Sayid and the others. They needed to talk. Now. "Boone. Hi. So are you guys just going to keep coming back without any food?" Her voice was cold, but she was trying not to be. He was being stone cold. " Hey I'm serious." She tried again._

"_Uh-huh." Boone responded automatically, like he wasn't feeling anything towards her anymore. Looking at her blankly. _

"_What's going on with you, Boone? Could you be acting any weirder?" Shannon was really worried - why was he acting like this? She tried to reassure herself it was nothing and that he would snap out of it. _

"_Shannon, you've been a functioning bulimic since junior high. I thought you'd be excited about dropping a size or two." He said looking at her, biting sarcasm in his voice, and a coldness she'd never experienced from him. _

"_Well, since you're not having any luck with hunting maybe you should help Michael. He's building a raft. I was thinking I would help him out, maybe finally get the hell out of here. Why don't you help me?" She was looking at him. Pleading with him. She just wanted him near her again, needed him. _

"_No, thanks." He replied, again cold and unfeeling, walking past her and not looking back; she stared at his retreating back, shocked, confused and hurt._

"No, no, no, no…" she repeated in shock over and over again, "I can't… not on this island… not without him… no," she whispered to herself tearfully. She shook her head and walked out onto the beach to clear her throbbing headache. She had no one to go to, she was alone. She was angry with Sayid, Jack and Kate were angry with her and Locke sure as hell had to be; Claire had the baby and Charlie had Claire; Sun and Kate had each other and Michael, Walt and Jin had each other. She had no one… no one but him. She trudged to his tent, not really sure what to say, but needing someone in the process. He was reading a book, Judy Blume's_ Are You There God, It's Me Margaret_. She pursed her lips as she sat at his feet, tears burning her eyes.

"Judy Blume, Sawyer isn't that a bit young for you?" her eyes glinted with tears. She wiped a stray tear away from her face, and Sawyer put his book down and shook his head.

"Well, for your information there ain't nothing else to read on this sandy rock." His grin faded slowly when he saw her tears.

She took a shuddering breath as she saw his unusually concerned face. "I think I'm pregnant." She blurted out, looking away, tears burned behind her eyelids. "And I'm scared." She blubbered. She sniffed hard and brushed the tears away. Shock resonated through her body at what she'd just revealed to Sawyer, her face paled in the sunlight. Her bottom lip trembled when she looked him.

The shocked look on his face was enough to make her collapse with laughter if this hadn't been so serious. Sawyer, the jackass, wisecrack, always-has-to-have-the-last-word Southern man with his tongue-tied; _this _was a story to tell. "Well Sticks, I had no idea you an' Aladdin had gotten busy last night." he smirked.

She looked at him; a disgusted look graced her face. "It's not Sayid's," the words leaving a bad taste in her mouth. "It's Boone's, we slept together in Sydney." Shame burned her cheeks. Shannon had no idea why she was pouring her heart out to Sawyer, but something made her do it. She'd been keeping her night with Boone a secret for too long and she needed to tell someone, why she picked Sawyer was still a mystery. A sob escaped her mouth when he just stared at her.

"Man, and I thought _I_ lived in the south…" He tried to laugh it off.

"We live in L.A. and thanks a lot, I thought you'd actually be helpful, stupid me." She pushed herself off of the sand and headed towards the door.

"Hey, wait," Sawyer said as he grabbed her ankle. "Now, tell me what this is really all about," he asked calmly.

"You know what? I get you, you're not this jackass everyone thinks you are, you can actually be a _nice _person if you'd let yourself be." She finished, staring at him, chin jutted in confidence, she turned and left the shelter, stalking to her own. When the sun started to set she pulled logs out from a nearby pile, as she struggled to make a fire, Boone's airplane blanket off of his "bed" wrapping it around herself, "Damn it," she muttered as a log fell and scraped her leg in the darkness. Sawyer walked over, set the logs up, took out his Zippo lighter and held it against the wood until it started to burn and walked back to his tent. She shook her head; she knew he was human in there somewhere. She sat down in the sand, Boone's blanket around her, his scent stuck in it, the fire, wildly dancing under the moonlight as she remembered how Boone had always liked fire.

She remembered countless Christmas Eve's with parties at their house and tons of guests. Boone and Shannon always snuck into his room, locking the door behind them, and lighting up the fireplace in his room curling up on the satin, navy blue sheets of his bed and watching the fire until they both fell asleep, curled in each others arms. She felt the wind softly blowing her hair and she knew that was the closest she would ever get to feel Boone around her again.

Aww... there's something about that flashback that makes me cry! I hate that that was the last thing he said to her :( . More Shawyer moments to come. So, to explain it for those who don't watch coughMHcough Everything happened except for the Sawyer/Shannon moments, the little Kate/Shannon moment and the part where she thinks she's pregnant... well, that's another issue entirely, I can dream can't I? Oh, and the XMas parties never happened, I don't think. And then the shooting part up until "She doesn't believe me, Sayid" part. :) Hope that helped. Now click the little button to your left and review. PLEASE it makes me happy. 


	4. Chapter 4

**UltraHyperShadow:** Thanks Josh glad you like it, Shawyer is my guilty pleasure too.

**SpookyBibi:** Thanks, I try.

**Sillya:** Shawyer is SO my guilty pleasure they ARE SO hot, but you know nothing steals my heart like Shoone

**Lostluvr86:** Sorry but I love nice Sawyer, and he can be nice to a degree, did you see "?", lol, and yes, there _is_ Shawyer in here b/c _that _is my guilty pleasure and I can't help it. If that puts you off my story from now on I'm sorry.

Hey guys I'm _so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so _sorry that it's been so long and finals are coming up and it may be even longer and I'm sorry and I hope no one is abandoning this anymore. I'm so sorry again I love you all please keep up with this. And if anyone hasn't already noticed this is more of a Shoone/Shawyer fanfic and there _will be _more Shawyer in upcoming chapters, but definitely nothing romantic, I couldn't do that, I'm too Shoone. So, if that makes anyone not read this story anymore b/c of the Shawyer, sorry. Anyways I'm talking too much here ya go.

* * *

She wasn't angry with Boone or Sayid or anyone else. She was only angry with herself and John Locke. He had sacrificed her brother to the damn Hatch Gods that he believed so faithfully in - but had screwed him over in return. He had taken away her very soul because everything, anything that she did, her breath, her mind that had been so fully consumed with thoughts, and feelings, and memories of Boone had been taken away. She was no longer Shannon Rutherford without Boone Carlyle, who had made her life complete in so many ways; she was no one without Boone, she thought. She sat still, caught in a trance by the dancing flames- they seemed to mimic her burning heart. 

Soon she started to feel her eyelids droop and she must have fallen asleep because the next instant she was in a hotel room in Sydney yelling at Boone in a drunken stupor. Then the dream skipped forward to her and Boone on the bed, the heat surrounding them thick with passion, greed and lust. Their tongues, fingers and lips were intertwined as they raced to tear each other's clothes off.

_His warm fingers wrapped themselves around the lacy, black and red fabric of her underwear and with painstaking slowness he tugged them up and over her too prominent hipbones. His lips grazed her neck, using his teeth to etch his anguish into her neck. She opened her eyes to look into his ocean-like blue ones, but instead of seeing the blue she loved, they were angry and, red She gasped in shock as he said, "I'll never forgive you!" and placed his hands about her neck and squeezed. _

She was shrieking in her dream until she felt someone shaking her awake. Kate. An asthma attack claimed her throat as her ability to breathe ceased. "Shannon? Shannon, come on it's okay, it was just a dream." Kate suddenly realized that Shannon couldn't breathe and panicked. "Someone help, she isn't breathing." Kate felt useless and pathetic.

Hurley rushed over, "Dude, Kate, she has to breathe in through her nose." He offered quickly. It wasn't much but it was something.

Others just milled about muttering things like, "The princess had it coming", "poor girl what's she gonna do without Boone, he always helped me", "she's heartbroken that's plain to see", "Bitch deserved it, karma." Kate was glaring at the people and they looked away guiltily.

"Thanks Hurley, do you know where Sun is?" Kate asked quickly as Shannon worsened.

"Someone said she went into the jungle, something about plants for Shannon." He finished, looking pleased with himself, but fear in his voice.

"Hurley, go find her! Tell her to hurry! Please!" She shouted at the man.

"Oh, Lord in Heaven." Hurley muttered, walking away quickly. "Sun!" She heard him shout.

Shannon coughed and gasped "Boone," she choked out.

"Shannon, Shannon you need to calm down. You're panicking and that's making it worse." Kate tried to comfort her, but Shannon shook her head, tears were cascading down her face. By this time Sayid was at her side and most of the other castaways had woken up and where crowding around to see, including Sawyer. "People, you need to leave. She doesn't need everyone crowding around. Go." Kate said forcefully, but Sayid and Sawyer stayed.

"Shannon, what's wrong?" Sayid asked, visibly afraid. She gasped and shook her head when he put his hand on her arm. Sayid got up and walked back with the others, hurt that she had pushed him away.

"Boone, B - " She coughed again. Suddenly she felt someone sit next to her and put his hand on her arm. She tried to jerk away from him, thinking that it was Sayid.

"Sticks, calm down." Sawyer's rough voice said.

"Doin' this isn't gonna bring him back, ya know. I know you miss him, but this ain't gonna help." He paused, unsure if he should say the last part for motivation; he decided it would be better if he did. "If you won't do it for yourself, do it for the baby, you know if this baby dies you'll be losing the last part of him you've been desperately clingin' to." He leaned over and whispered in her ear so no one would hear. She froze and tensed all her muscles. Unfortunately, Kate _had_ heard it.

She sat there, stunned until Jack and Sun came up, followed by an out of breath Hurley. Jack motioned Kate over to talk, presumably about Shannon. Sun started rubbing the mixture on her chest and throat. She shook her head, swatted Sun away and backed up, into Sawyer. She tried to get up and run, but Sawyer put his hands on her shoulders. Shannon jerked away from him, but he put his legs around her. Sayid turned around once just to check on her and was shocked, but then again, it was Sawyer, always doing perverted things to the women of the island. His hands were clutching her arms roughly and he wasn't letting go, she was trapped and there wasn't anything she could do about it.

"Sticks, he ain't coming back, doing _this _won't kill you." He looked up at the stunned faces of Jack, Kate and Sun. "Not with Saint Jackass, Betty and Freckles here to save you all the time." Sayid squinted, he couldn't hear what Sawyer was saying, but by the look on everyone's face it wasn't good. "But really you _have _to think about his baby." Shannon shook her head, but took several agonizing breathes and her color came back and her breathing gradually got easier, until she was well enough to talk.

"Sawyer, thanks, but I need to talk to them – alone." She said after a while. He pushed her away roughly, stood up and without saying a word, and walked back to his tent.

Shannon was surprised at the sudden burst of anger from Sawyer, and by the look on everyone else's face, they were just shocked from the whole situation.

Jack walked up and knelt next to her, checking her pulse, and her breathing. When his hand accidentally brushed her stomach she gasped and flinched away from him, Jack's hazel eyes stared at her in confusion. She just shook her head and turned to Kate and Sun. She smiled apologetically at the doctor and stared at her toes. Jack left and she stared at Sun and Kate not really knowing where to start.

"Shannon, are you…okay?" Sun asked slowly.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I just... um..." she hesitated. "I think I'm pregnant."

"Are you… sure?" Sun spoke up.

"Well not exactly, but… I don't know… my back is killing me and I can't eat anything because I'll throw up… and Boone isn't here and I need him and I'm scared and… I miss him so much, and I need him here, and I'm trying to be strong without him, but I can't. I just can't." She started to cry again. I don't know what to do without him, I'm alone and I'm only twenty. He was always there for me and now when I need him the most he isn't here and I only ever tried to help because I wanted him to forgive me for what I did ,and we never got to work things out and he died hating me. I just wish I was there and I'll never be able to forgive myself for this and I never got to say goodbye or that I'm sorry. I don't even know what happened to him, how he died. I just _need him here, _andthe baby's gonna grow up without a father." She stopped and took a deep breath. The shocked and pale faces of the two women before her caused her to back track on her words.

"Boone's the baby's father?" Kate asked suddenly. This time it was Shannon who turned pale, a wave of nausea hit her as tears spilled out of her eyes.

"Umm I gotta explain…" Shannon poured out her and Boone's history, and when she got to the night in the hotel she started to tear up again as she remembered the passion and lust at which they'd kissed and… had sex. "So, he's not really my brother, just my stepbrother, but I really did love him. I just wish I'd have let my self realize and admit it before…" Shannon trailed off as a sob made her throat tight. "Before he was gone forever. I mean I know what I did was wrong, but I was so in love with him, I just didn't know how to tell him and now it's too late." She said sorrowfully.

"Can I ask you a question?" Sun asked tentatively. Shannon nodded glumly. "Do you love Boone?" Shannon nodded, her eyes dulling. Do you love Sayid?" Shannon shook her head fiercely. "Oh god, no."

"Then why play around with him?" Kate asked suddenly. _Why do you play around with Jack and Sawyer? _Shannon thought angrily.

"Because I don't want to hurt him. I'm in love with Boone, but he doesn't know that. He only knows that Boone was in love with me. I just don't want to hurt him." She stated firmly, still angry with Kate.

"You hurt Boone, and you knew you were hurting him, so why would you have any problem with hurting Sayid, a man you've known for less than three weeks?" Jack said, sitting next to the small group.

Shannon pulled back in shock; she couldn't believe he had even _dared _to ask that question, even if it was true. "What the hell Jack?" She stuttered, before storming down the beach. Thankfully, they didn't try to follow her. She heard someone or something rustling the brush next to her and she let out a small cry when they grabbed her arm.

"So, I guess good ole' Jack knows about… it?" The rough, Southern voice growled, as he stepped out of the shadows.

"God, Sawyer, can you not be a prick for like five seconds?" She said, still shaking and irritable.

"Excuse me?" He growled angrily as he stalked up to her, grabbing her arm. Her eyes widened as her arm throbbed. She had no idea why he was being so mean to her all of a sudden, but it was starting to scare her.

"Damn it, Sawyer, this hurts!" She squealed as she tried to jerk her arm away.

"Sawyer, let her go." Sayid barked as he walked onto the scene.

He didn't loosen his grip on her arm, but instead pulled Shannon closer to him, leaning in and whispering in her ear. "You better tell Mohammad about your little incest trip, before the word gets out and somebody else tells him." He finished with a threatening look before dropping her arm and walking off.

"You wouldn't _dare!_" She yelled at his retreating form.

He turned back around, "Sweetheart, you don't know _what_ I'm capable of." Shannon's eyes took on a dull haunted look as Sayid's concern overpowered his hurt.

"Shannon, what's wrong?" He asked kindly, trying to shake her out of some private reverie. "What did Sawyer say to you?" He tried again.

"Whaa… oh, um nothing Sayid, it's nothing." She sighed. She wasn't ready to tell him just yet. She would soon, but not yet. "I just need to sleep, I've had a _long _night." She yawned.

"Okay, I'm here if you need me." He said trying to be sweet, but she could tell her didn't believe her. She walked back to Boone's tent and lay down. Her hands cradled her stomach as she slipped into a deep sleep haunted by the blue eyes and pristine features she knew so well.

* * *

Ok, so, the first paragraph of this chapter is my favorite so far of everything I've written. 

I wasn't really sure how to write the asthma attack b/c in CM no one except Boone, Jack and Sun really acted like they cared that Shan wasn't breathing, but I could be wrong it's been forever since I've seen it.

I know Sawyer was probably _way too _nice but then again it's Shawyer and I can't help it and may I refer any angry fan back to "?" lol

No mean reviews please. :)


	5. Chapter 5

_Sorry it took me so long everybody; if you've stuck with me this long I praise y'all. Ok sorry y'all that was the wrong document the first time, let's try this again… I swear they say third time's the charm, let's try this AGAIN shall we? Here we go._

**Chapter 5**

Shannon woke up to the smell of Boone all around her. She knew his _Cool Water_ cologne anywhere. She sat up, in a daze. "Knock, knock," a voice said.

"Come in," she replied eagerly, thinking for one fleeting second that it was Boone.

It was Sayid. Her face noticeably fell as tears started to well in her eyes. He ignored her disappointed expression and sat next to her.

"How are you?" he asked, trying to put his hand on her face, but she moved away. She bit her lip, refusing to cry.

"I'm fine." She snapped. She grabbed Boone's bag, pulling it over her shoulder as she stalked out of the tent, tears spilling down her cheeks.

"Shannon," Sayid called out in his Iraqi accent.

"Leave me alone, Sayid," She responded, bitter.

He stopped walking, turned around and headed back to his shelter. Shannon continued to walk down the beach until she came to a familiar piece of the plane. She was surprised it was still there after the tides had risen so suddenly, carrying everything out to sea.

_Shannon was sitting against a piece of the wreckage. Her knees were drawn up to her chest and she was using them to write on as she did her crossword puzzle. She wasn't paying attention to the words so much as thinking about Sydney, when Bryan had been trying to teach her how to tie a bowline knot. Suddenly she heard the crunch of sand under someone's feet and saw a shadow blocking her light. Boone. "That woman…" blah blah blah, no one cared._

"_Mmmhmmm…" she said not really paying attention, boredom drying up her desire to care as he knelt before her and she pretended to work on her puzzle. He said something else she didn't give a shit about and she just responded automatically._

"_Right." _

"_Are you even listening to me?" He asked, annoyance pricking his voice. _

"_What's a 4 letter word for _**_I don't care_**_?" She answered back sarcastically, still not looking up. _

"_I just think somebody should go check on her that's all." He said thoughtfully. _

"_I nominate _**_you_**_, Captain America. You just can't help yourself can you?" She asked. 'Always trying to save people' she added silently, she said looking at him for the first time. _

_He said something about she was going to starve and she was immediately insulted. 'Starve?' She was not going to 'starve'._

"_I'm not going to starve." She said mocking him._

"_Right, what are you going to eat?" He countered, dipping his hands into the water and splashing them. _

"_The ocean's full of fish." She replied as he wet his face and walked back to her. _

"_I hate to break it to you, the ocean is not going to take your gold card." He told her snidely as he continued to walk towards her, shaking his head, mocking her. _

"_You really don't think I can catch a fish?" She asked back honestly, almost scared to hear the reply, damn her being so insecure and needing his approval.She desperately tried to resist the urge to follow him into the ocean and do not so sisterly things to him. _

"_No, not really, I don't even think you know how." He said walking back over to her. _

"_Yeah, well, Bryan was teaching me." She spat, ignoring the jealous and pained expression in his eyes. _

"_Whatever." Boone said curtly, walking away from her._

"_Boone!" She called out to his retreating back. He turned around._

_'I'm sorry.' "I can _**_get _**_a fish." She said determined. _

_He turned around again and continued walking without answering her. _

She was snapped out of memory lane when Sun walked up. "Shannon?"

"Oh, hey Sun," She said as she pushed her blonde locks from her face. Sun sat down across from Shannon and handed her a crude bowl of… something. "Oh _gross_!" She squealed shoving the bowl back in the other woman's direction.

"It will help you I promise." She said, her voice almost maternal.

"What is it?" She asked slightly frightened of the strange mixture.

"Ginger." Sun said smiling.

"Ginger? Why the hell do I need _ginger_? Isn't that the pink, gross stuff they put in sushi?"

Sun just stared.

Shan sighed, "Why do I need ginger?"

"It's for the, umm, sickness." Sun said smiling weakly in apology.

"Oh, for morning sickness?" She asked. She was a little unnerved at having to deal with her pregnancy right away; she was still in denial. In a desperate attempt to get rid of the awkwardness, she stood up.

"Umm, I gotta go." She said to Sun.

"Okay." Sun said, still sitting there. Shannon felt bad for just leaving, but she wanted to be alone to think about the newest developments in her life. She was walking back to her shelter when she saw Kate and Sawyer yelling at one another, and then Sawyer when he grabbed her arm and jerked her towards Michael. She wandered over to the group to defend her friend. "Tell him!" Sawyer roared, thrusting her towards Michael. She looked at him apologetically and opened her mouth to say something. Sawyer didn't give her a chance; he grabbed her backpack and whirled away from her before she could respond. She yelled something and dove after Sawyer.

"Leave her alone." Michael barked, looking helpless.

He threw Michael's words back in his face, mocking them, and unzipped the backpack.

She begged again somewhere between angry and sad as she dove for it. He dumped the contents onto the sand as Kate tried to grab something from his hand.

He grunted in satisfaction and dusted the tiny object off. "Look!" He demanded quickly showing it the group. Shannon was still confused and it made it worse that she didn't know what the object was. "Look at this." Sawyer said, flipping it open.

She was so confused, all she knew was that Kate was pleading with Sawyer over something in his hand. It looked like a passport, why would Kate be fighting with Sawyer over a passport?

"You all remember Joanna, don't you? Huh?" He yelled to the gathering group and then at Michael as he handed him the object. "The woman who drowned?" He growled. He didn't need to _remind _everyone who she was, as if the shock of losing her so suddenly needed to be brought back up.

"Now what's Kate doing with poor Joanna's ID?" He asked Michael. "Could it be she'd do just about anything to get on that raft? So she could get herself rescued, run off with a new identity before half the reporters in the world descend on this damn island? She might even poison the captain himself." He finished his speech, frowning in anger. What the hell was going on? Why would Kate try to poison Michael?

"Shut up." She ordered. Shannon could see the pain in her face. But she was also hurt and shocked. She knew there was something weird about Kate, but a fugitive? She had befriended a fugitive?

"She don't care about nothin' or nobody but herself." He said, ignoring the wave of pain that crashed over her face, as she looked away, tears in her eyes. Apparently Sawyer was wrong.

"You want to tell us why you need to run so bad? You want to tell us the truth?" He spat.

Kate stared at Sawyer for a few agonizing seconds, like she couldn't believe why he was doing this to her. "Yes. I was on the plane…" She kept her eyes on Sawyer. "With the Marshal." She looked at Michael. "Yes. I was wanted and…"

She trailed off as she caught Shannon's eyes. Shannon couldn't believe it. Her friend, Kate had been with the Marshal.

Through her whole confession she had her eyes on Michael almost as if she was willing him to believe her, take her side over Sawyer's. And Sawyer, who had his cold, sinister gaze trained on her, like he'd expected the confession, wanted it, but wasn't enjoying it as much as he thought he would.

"…I'm going to jail." She said with quiet conviction. "But I didn't poison you." She finished quietly, walking towards Michael. He shrank away from her taking a step back and warding her carefully.

The crowd was quiet, shocked, processing the information, Shannon included. _Kate was a fugitive? _The woman she had befriended and told about her night with Boone and her pregnancy was a fugitive?The old Shannon, the condescending, wealthy, 'not really in the mood to give a shit' Shannon was trying to rear her ugly head. Say something evil to Kate, but her hurt over ruled her urge to yell at the brunette.

"Here." Michael said handing Sawyer the I.D. and walking away. The crowd followed suit, clearly not trusting her anymore. Shannon caught Kate's eye and glared at her. She was hurt that Kate hadn't revealed any of this, even when Shannon had told her everything. Kate was a fugitive! Kate was a fugitive! Shannon had befriended a fucking _fugitive_! Oh my god could this day get _any _worse. She'd spoken too soon; Sayid was sitting in the sand looking like a puppy. She groaned inwardly and walked over to him. She shuffled over to him and sat down, hugging her knees to her chest. His chocolate brown eyes stared back at her. Then a sudden memory hit her and she had to get off her chest and Kate was out of the question.

"He was training to be a life guard." She said her voice growing choked at just the thought of him. "On the weekends when it was warm, while he was at NYU."

"N…Y…U?" Sayid questioned confused.

"New York University, he was at school there, I don't even know if he ever _finished _his training, I was…gone." Shannon stated. Sayid said nothing but nodded slightly. "He was always trying to help people, save them."

"That's why he jumped into the water to save Joanna." It was more of a statement than a question.

"Yeah, God, can you believe I yelled at him for that?" she said, her voice strangled. Sayid looked at her. She started off shaky, but it gradually became easier to tell him.

Shannon finished her side of the story about the day that Joanna had drowned. She looked at Sayid's face his dark eyes were killing her with their sympathetic glint. She looked around suddenly, just noticing that it was dark and many people already had campfires going. She thanked Sayid for listening as she walked towards her shelter.

Before she could get to her shelter she had to pass Kate, who was poking at her bonfire with a stick. She hid in the shadows as the familiar silhouette of Sawyer walked up. She couldn't hear the exchange between them, but Sawyer looked apologetic, almost sad and Kate just looked hurt and betrayed. Sawyer looked like he was trying to atone for the hurt he caused her, but being the way he is he can't just say 'sorry' it'd be too hard. _Maybe he's trying to say goodbye_… Shannon thought. She looked on, a little sad for the pair. It was obvious Sawyer loved her, but Kate's heart seemed to be with Jack, it was the little moments like this that shook her faith. She crept forward a little more as the conversation started to end and Sawyer turned to leave. "Why is it so important for you to be on that raft?" Kate asked him suddenly before he could walk away. Sawyer stopped for a second considering his answer.

"Cuz there ain't anything on this island worth staying for." He said almost sadly, like he regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth.

They didn't move, the three of them, it was like watching a spell cast on those two and she couldn't break away. She watched him as he stared at her body in the shadows lit by flickers of fire, Shannon could tell there was more wanting to be said here, but their ways were set in stone.

Suddenly in a paralyzing moment Sawyer saw her, crouched by the tree and taking in every word and his gaze was trained on her for a second before Kate broke it."Be safe, Sawyer." Those three words spoke volumes, more than they let themselves realize.

"Yeah." Sawyer replied walking away and back to his shelter and then after several half-hearted pokes at the fire Kate shuffled sadly back to her own and then Shannon stood there rooted to the spot now no longer sure who belonged with who. But as she fell asleep in her tent she knew exactly whom she belonged with.

_I hope Sawyer wasn't too OOC in this chapter, I just put what I interpreted into the story. And second, I'm a massive Jater; it's just easier to write Skate for this so Shawyer doesn't happen. Please review, but nothing too harsh. Boone will magically appear with Shannon on your doorstep and they will kiss if you do! ;)_


	6. Chapter 6

Shannon woke up just in time to hear "Danielle" say "The Others" were coming and that they had three choices, "Run, Hide, or Die". All three resonated shock and fear through her and the camp. She turned and leaned out of her shelter just in time to throw up all over the sand. She felt someone's hand loosely holding back the hair from her face and shoulders. Adrenaline rushed down her spine when she thought it was Boone. "Here," a gruff voice said, handing her a towel. Shannon wiped her mouth and turned to see Sawyer staring back into her brown eyes.

"Why are you being so _nice_?" She inquired, still thankful for the comfort.

"Cuz I know what it's like to lose someone you love and have to hide it." He stated briefly, before walking down the beach. It left her puzzled and wondering about the man's life before the island. "You better pack, the Doc's movin' to the caves." He said over his shoulder.

She didn't want to pack, not yet. She drank some water and walked around the beach when she saw Jack heading towards her. Cold fear swept through at the memory of Jack telling her about Boone. "Shannon, Michael needs your help. He has to get the raft down to the water. You think you can do it?" He asked.

"Uh, yeah sure, I'll go right now." She replied walking over to where Michael was. "Ok, I'm here." She announced to Michael and Jin as she walked up.

"Yeah, hey thanks. I really need all the help I can get." He said kindly, sympathy in his voice. Fifteen minutes later Jack had rounded up most of the camp and everyone had positioned at spots on the raft.

"Listen, on my count... I'll do 1, 2, 3, lift and then push, okay? Got it? Okay, c'mon. Once we get it down to the water line, we'll drop it and load it up." Michael commandeered everyone, making sure everyone knew the drill. Everyone nodded and got ready. Shannon was in between some guy she'd never met and Sayid was behind her. She turned around to smile at him once and he smiled back, she turned back around and looked at Sawyer. He was staring at Kate, he must have felt her eyes on him because he turned around and looked at her. She smiled and then concentrated on the job ahead. "Alright. Ready. 1, 2, 3. Lift. Push. Push, c'mon guys, push. Push. Use the levers. Use the levers. Good, good, good. 1, 2, 3, lift. Keep it straight." Everyone strained to push it forward; Shannon's arms were giving way, but a rush of adrenaline pushed her through the pain. Suddenly Jin yelled something and the boat ran off the rails.

Thirty minutes later she found herself hurriedly stuffing everything she had into the large suitcase and carry-on bag she had, not bothering to fold any of it. When she got to his stuff, Boone's stuff, she painstakingly folded every item, careful not to wrinkle any of it. When she got to the black, collared, button-down shirt with the gray stripes down it, she struggled to keep down the lump in her throat. She pressed the shirt to her face, breathing deeply, taking in his scent, though the smell of his cologne almost asphyxiated her. With tears in her eyes she set that shirt aside and continued with the others.

She heard small, shuffling footsteps and soft patters against the sand and she pretended not to notice. "Why are you folding the clothes?" Walt asked, looking over curiously.

"Because I'm anal. Is there something you want?" Shannon said, hoping that would drive the boy away. He didn't leave.

"I think you should take Vincent." He said suddenly. She knelt down in shock, scratching the dog behind the ears.

"Are you serious?" She asked, completely caught off guard, tears in her eyes. No one had ever been this nice, or selfless to her ever. She couldn't believe that Walt was willing to give her the one thing that made his life complete just to help her. She knew she didn't deserve it; and people being this nice to her was definitely something she wasn't used to, especially someone she'd never made an effort to connect with.

"He'll take care of you." Walt said softly.

"What's makes you think I need a dog to take care of me?" She asked, slightly defensive.

"Vincent took care of me when my mom died and nobody would talk to me. They pretended like nothing happened. So I had to talk to Vincent. He's a good listener. You could talk to him about Boone if you want." Walt said looking at his feet; he seemed to really mean it. She was starting to cry, the lump in her throat was returning. _Boone_, _why can't you be here?_ She thought sadly.

"Alright, but only until you get us rescued, okay?" She told the little boy, taking the leash. She could see that it hurt him to give up his dog, he was being selfless and she needed to learn to be like that.

"Excuse me, would you mind watching my bag for a moment? I'll be right back." Shannon heard a voice say.

"Sure, whatever." She muttered, looking up briefly. She didn't have time for this, didn't care. Boone was getting their tickets, the plane would land and they would just go back. _Where the hell was he anyway?_

"Thank you." He said sincerely. Boone walked up. She could feel his eyes surveying her body and she smirked - he still loved her. She was stretched out across two, her long legs bent over the armrest.

"I couldn't get us into first class." He said sitting down.

"Why not?" She said, glaring at him. She flipped her legs around so she was sitting up.

"Um, maybe you shouldn't have yelled at the gate agent." He said sarcastically.

"What? You're on his side, now?" She sneered.

"One day you're going to appreciate everything I do for you." He replied sorrowfully, looking at her.

"Yeah, I can't wait for that day." Shannon replied, grabbing her purse and walking towards the escalators. _Please, appreciate him, yeah maybe when he's dead, _She thought sarcastically. "You can try again with the gate agent." She stated coldly, stepping on the escalator.

"Would you let it go?" Boone asked, looking at her.

"Excuse me for not being pathetic enough to not want to sit next to some crying baby for the next 15 hours!" She yelled.

"Oh God, you can be a bitch." Boone groaned glaring at her.

"Oh, you want to play? I will get you thrown off this flight." She growled. _She would show him, she wasn't pathetic; she could take care of herself. _

"Yeah, how are you going to do that?" He challenged back.

"I can do whatever I want. I could tell them..." She said.

"Tell them what? Who's going to believe you? You're not even capable of..." Boone yelled exasperated as they reached the top and stepped off.

"You have no idea what I'm capable of." She said angrily, before walking up to an airport cop. "Excuse me, sir?" she asked tentatively.

"Yes, ma'am." He replied politely. _Oh please._

"Hi, um, some Arab guy just left his bags in the chairs downstairs and then just walked away." She stated firmly.

"Can you describe him, please?" The man asked.

"Um... Arab." She said stupidly. "He went towards the shops." She yelled to the man's retreating back. She walked back over to Boone and got in his face. "How's that?" She sneered, walking off, leaving a hurt Boone in her wake.

Shannon's job was to pass out paper for each person to write a letter and stick it in a bottle Jin was taking on the raft. It had been Charlie's idea, and a very good one, people said. Shannon wrote to Sabrina, ironically. Sabrina wouldn't care, but she had to write to someone. They each said their bittersweet goodbyes. Hope rested within these four men to get them rescued. She hugged Michael, then Jin, then knelt down to wrap her arms around the young boy, leaving Vincent with Walt to say their goodbyes. She walked to Sawyer and stood in front of him for a few seconds before embracing him tightly, pouring her thanks into the hug. They pulled back moments later still looking at one another. Shannon felt a lump rising in her throat and she swallowed it down. Sawyer must have had a lump in his throat as well because he coughed it down and cleared his throat. "Bye Sawyer, and thanks." She said blinking back tears. "You better get us rescued." She sniffed.

"Take care Sticks." He said meaningfully. "And Shannon? Take care of Baby-Metro." He said, eyeing her.

Tears welled in her eyes and spilled out. "Thanks Sawyer, I will." Shannon watched the southern man walk away and she followed slowly after, wiping away tears. Everyone had said their goodbyes and they were about to launch the raft. Shannon was in front of Sayid again and she could feel his beady eyes on her as she pushed the raft with all her might. "Go, go, go. Go, go, go, go!" Michael yelled. The raft hit the water easily and the men got onto the boat. They launched the sail as the wind picked up, blowing them farther and farther by the second. Everyone was jumping up and down and waving, Charlie more than anyone. Sun was crying softly as she waved to the man she loved. Shannon waved to them as tears coursed down her cheeks.

"Bye Vincent, bye Vincent!" Walt called to the dog waving. Suddenly he pulled out of her grasp and charged into the ocean, Shannon tried to grab the leash but it slipped out of her grasp.

"Stay, Vincent! Go back, Vincent! Vincent, go back, go back!" Walt yelled waving the dog away. Vincent turned around and swam back to Shannon; she grabbed the leash tightly this time. In a few minutes the raft went invisible by the setting sun. She had finished packing their things and was attempting to drag them down the beach. Her big suitcase was stuck in the sand and Vincent was being impatient and pulling on the leash. "Damn it!" She swore angrily through gritted teeth and the ever-present lump in her throat.

"Do you really need all that?" Sayid called out, running to her.

"Yeah, I do." She said angrily, _well at least Boone's things. _

"Why do you have to bring so much?" He asked critically. _Shut up, you don't know. _

"Don't you have a hike to lead? I'm fine." She said. She was reaching her breaking point, the lump was getting bigger, and she was about to break. One bag slipped off her shoulder and shirts tumbled out into the sand. Sayid knelt down to pick them up when he realized they were Boone's pain shot through him at her obvious heartbreak.

"These belong to your brother." He said softly. The lump was too big now; she was way past her breaking point. The tears spilled as her face crumpled.

"I need these things. I can't just leave them." She replied sobbing. "What are we doing? Hiding? As if they won't find us. It's just... it's too much. It's too much." She continued to sob, leaning into the comfort of his hand.

"It won't be too much if I carry it for you. Now come on. I have a hike to lead." He said, helping her up as she dried her tears. They had only walked a foot before Charlie came running up to Sayid babbling about Danielle and needing him right now. Of course, he dropped everything to run to her. Minutes passed as they waited for Sayid to come back. Shannon walked with Claire and Sun; the three didn't talk much. When they got to the caves it was pitch black. Shannon saw the spot where Boone had been. Pain shot through her body.

"He died bravely." Sun offered.

"What?" She asked not really paying attention.

"Your brother." She said again.

"Yeah. Thanks." She replied. She didn't want to talk about it. She sat numbly on a rock thinking of Boone and wondering when Sayid was going to be back. She missed having someone to talk to now that Sawyer was gone. She hadn't told Sayid about her pregnancy yet, and lying to him wasn't a feeling she liked, even though she had done it before and was doing it now. She missed having someone there though; even if Sun and Claire were there they each had their own problems.

Suddenly Sun broke their silence. "Do you think all this... all that we've been through... do you think we're being punished?" She asked, sounding tired and sad.

"Punished for what?" Shannon asked.

"Things we did before... the secrets we kept... the lies we told." Sun said sadly. Shannon had a sinking feeling. _Like sleeping with your stepbrother? Conning him out of money? Breaking his heart? Never saying 'I'm sorry'? Never fixing things before it was too late?_

"Who do you think is punishing us?" She asked curiously.

"Fate." Sun stated.

Suddenly Claire spoke up, surprising both of them.

"No one's punishing us. There's no such thing as fate." She said firmly.

She had spaced out after that, oblivious to everything around her. Vincent was lying over by the edge of the pool and she found herself walking over towards him. "Hey buddy, hey." She called softly. He raised his head and whined and padded over to where she was sitting on a rock. He lay at her feet and whined again. "You miss Walt don't you? Well, I miss my brother too. But Walt will be back. Boone, my brother, won't, ever again." She paused as tears threatened to spill over yet again. "God, you'd think I wouldn't cry anymore, but is it okay if I cry? I never really cried when I was little, but now I can't help. I… I loved him. Don't tell anyone that okay? He used to come to all my ballet performances when I was little, I would always see him staring at me from the front row, and he would clap and cheer louder than everyone. But then after my dad died everything changed. I wish I could - " Suddenly she was interrupted by overjoyed shouts and Claire's voice carrying out through the caves. She turned around and saw Charlie carrying Aaron towards Claire. A smile was immediately on Shannon's face and she left Vincent's side to welcome them home. She was happy Aaron was back with Claire and everyone was safe. Safe. Where was Sayid? Panic swept through her and made the hair on the back of her neck stand up. Then she saw him, standing by the waterfall splashing his face. With relief she rushed towards him and enveloped him in a hug. She couldn't believe she was actually worried about him and glad he was safe. Maybe she liked him after-all.

* * *

It's my 16th birthday today! Woohoo! Review please! I hope that last line didn't kill y'all too much. 


End file.
